You’ve probably all heard by now about the deranged German woman who, 2 weeks ago, jumped into a polar bear enclosure during feeding time at the Berlin Zoo. But what about the other side of the story? Our own Peter Boo sat down with Bongo, the polar bear in question, yesterday afternoon for a no holds barred conversation.
BOO: So, how goes it Bingo?
BONGO: It’s Bongo.
BOO: Sure, sure, Bonzo.
BONGO: How are those restraints going?
BONGO: They hurt?
BOO: I bet they do. But you can’t be trusted can you? So, what were you thinking when you bit that innocent zoo goer last week, Bonzo?
BONGO: Innocent? She dove into the moat! I know the rules, anything that comes into my enclosure is fair game.
BOO: Is it? Well why didn’t eat the nickels my granddaughter threw in there last week?
BONGO: You’re not supposed to throw coins in the water, it could seriously damage my digestive system.
BOO: So, Hannibal, you’re smart enough to know not to eat metal, but you’re playing dumb now over the attempted consumption of a human being?
BONGO: Humans are our natural enemy, in the wild…
BOO: Hold the phone there Barney, you’re not in “the wild,” you’re in a zoo! You’re on our turf! Your keepers are humans! We feed you; house you; clean up your crap and tend to every one of your whims. Without us you’d last two minutes in the big smoke, don’t forget that?
BONGO: We didn’t ask to be here. We’re, in a sense, imprisoned here.
BOO: Yeah, I’m sure you put up one hell of a fight when they came a-knocking? “Guys, we’re taking some of you lucky stiffs outta this frozen tundra out here in the middle of nowhere; this depressing arctic wasteland you call home, where you have to hunt all day for food, compete to the death with thousand of others just like you for your very survival — and in return, we’re taking you to a paradise. There you can swim and frolic all day in 5-star luxury surroundings, where everything you’ve wanted and everything you’ll ever need will be handed to you on a silver platter.” Yes indeed, Banjo, you’ve certainly had the rough-end-of-the-stick with this crumby arrangement.
BONGO: I was a 3-month-old cub when I was captured…
BOO: Oh, you were!? So, how do you know what you’ve been missing out on then?
BONGO: You humans are destroying our natural habitat by adding to global warming. If I ever wanted to go back home one day, it may not even be there–
BOO: So, that’s what the ‘love-bite’ was all about, payback? Spare me. Al Gore’s got to you too, has he? The ice-caps are not melting Bangle, not that you’d know anything about it from the ‘çheap-seats’. But, I’ll tell you what, here’s the deal: I won’t start my car anymore if you and your buddies push me around town.
BOO: What I’m saying is this: If I’m going without gas, then you layabouts are going to have to start doing some of the heavy lifting. Deal?
BONGO: [Loud roar] You’re making me very angry!
BOO: I’m sure the truth hurts. Next time you want to neck one of us humans, maybe you could do us all a favor and take a bite out of Al Gore’s fat ass. Have you seen it lately? It’s expanding faster than a Arctic winter ice sheet. Get it?
Peter Boo was just awarded a Pulitzer for his groundbreaking interview with Al Gore appearing in this publication weeks ago. Full winner list below: