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The Pirates of Somalia: Dead Man’s Transcript

Posted by on Apr 13th, 2009 and filed under Breaking news. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry


Lead Pirate: Abdi Dalmar

Lead Pirate: Abdi Dalmar - "Depp delusion, did him in."

A day after the Navy SEALS’ heroic rescue of Captain Richard Phillips, details of his kidnapping are beginning to filter out. Only now is the true extent of the pirates’ madness becoming clear.  

 In transcripts of conversations between US Navy Commander Frank Castellano and head of the Somali pirates union Abdi Dalmar, it becomes clear that an impasse in the troubled negotiations necessitated the attack. Full transcript of the decisive last five minutes follows.
CASTELLANO: “You must understand you are in serious violation of international maritime law, if you do not surrender the captain immediately, you will face the full force of US Naval retaliation.
DALMAR: “Oh sure, America love pirates when Johnny Depp play one but when Somali play one, they call Navy seals! Why you no call Navy Seals on Johnny Depp? You make him Best Actor!!!” 
CASTELLANO: “That’s a movie, you have kidnapped a real person.”
UNIDENTIFIED PIRATE VOICE: “Tell him I want best actor too!!!”
CASTELLANO: “I repeat, you have five minutes to surrender or you will give us no choice but to attack.”
DALMAR: “No, didn’t you see movie? Pirates fun, pirates dance, pirates get women. We expected Keira Knightley to be on ship. Where she? You get us her or big consequences for you”
CASTELLANO: “Keira Knightley is not coming today — neither are you! Understand!? You have four minutes left.”
DALMAR: “Oh, you big funny man! You find her… and you get us rum too. Do it!”
CASTELLANO: “There will be no rum. Three and a half minutes and we attack.”
DALMAR: “Go ahead, attack, Davy Jones come after you then and make you go on ship that goes underwater. We flip ship over and then become human!!!”
DALMAR: “Ha! You clearly no see movie which puts you at disadvantage to us.”
CASTELLANO: “Those Pirates of the Caribbean movies were some of the worst movies ever made!!!”
DALMAR: “No, they make billions of dollars. America love pirates, you love pirates!!”
CASTELLANO: “They were terrible, you try to explain the plots to me. If you can, I let you go.”
DALMAR: “It’s easy, Johnny Depp have funny teeth, he real funny pirate, like us, he dance and be really dead.. but no one know at beginning, he on run from Davy Jones because he stole Black Pearl, then he make friends with Orlando Bloom, who like Keira Knightley, but she like Johnny Depp but he really dead, then Johnny lie to Orlando and Orlando lie to Johnny and many funny delightful doublecrosses ensue.”
UNIDENTIFIED PIRATE VOICE: “And don’t forget sword fights. Lots of funny sword fights.”
CASTELLANO: “I’m sorry I asked. You have one minute.”
DALMAR: “You get us blu-ray DVD of this landmark trilogy and cast us in fourth movie or…”
CASTELLANO: (to sniper team) “[Expletive deleted] this guy, take your shot.”     
US warship on the scene

US warship on the scene

 After that three shots are heard. Killed in the attack were Dalmar. Korfa Ghedi, and Umbuku Mbeki, Somalia’s answer to Orlando Bloom, who had apparently was under the belief he was about to be cast in “Pirates of the Caribbean 4: Somali Surprise”. At press time, it is believed this fourth pirate was the unidentified voice on the audiotapes. 
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1 Response for “The Pirates of Somalia: Dead Man’s Transcript”

  1. david kalin says:

    IS THIS TRUE? I haven’t read anything anywhere else to support it.

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