Before and Argggghhhhhhh

As if the stress of 10 plastic surgeries in one day wasn’t enough, Heidi Montag can’t even go to mommy for comfort.

“I’m nervous to go home and face her – especially with cameras rolling,” the reality star, who will ultimately face her mother, Darlene Egelhoff, on camera for MTV’s “TheHills,” told People.com.

Montag plans to unveil her new look to her mom when she visits her hometown in Colorado.

The 23-year-old told the press this week she had close to a dozen surgeries over two months ago, but at the time kept it secret from family and friends. “If I hadn’t opened my big mouth no one would have ever known”.

Rrrrrrrighhhtttt….suuurrrrreeee

Zoltar, and his ambushing crew,  were set upon in a frenzied, violent, vicious and cowardly attack which has left his cameraman and sound operator fighting for their lives. Zoltar has fared much worse and endured a marathon 28-hour operation to repair a grocery-list of sickening injuries, which doctors say, include: ”a collapsed lung, ruptured spleen, a punctured left ear-drum, two broken arms, a broken knee-cap, three cracked vertebrae, eight broken ribs, a fractured collar-bone, a shattered hip, a crushed ankle, deep lacerations to his hands, neck, calve and thigh muscles; a hair-line fracture to the skull, dozens of hen-pecked wounds to the ears, forehead, chin, cheeks, eyes and throat – and his nose – that had to be completely sewn back on.”

Zoltar Zays struck fame when he exposed to the world the secret to Donald Trumps ‘fold-over’ hairline. He was given his own show on the KKL Network and made a fortune out of his harmless “surprise makeover raids”. The show was planning to air the “El Pollo Locco make-over episode” in two weeks, but now local police, FBI and the CIA are gearing-up for a nation-wide manhunt for the desperate gang of thieves that have inflicted this cowardly unprovoked attack.

A spokesman for the  KKL Network issued this statement: “Zoltar is a one-of-a-kind talent, he will be back better than ever. I hope the cowards that did this are brought to justice, they have no sense of fun; we are all praying that Zoltar makes a speedy recovery.”

The Washington Post- Tom Durong  Sunday May 25, 09:31 AM

A press conference held this morning at the Marriot’s grand ballroom by the mysterious and controversial doctor, Earnest Bukakki™, outlined his plans for “Apeshit Construction”. The new enterprise will be shepherded by his long-term assistants, Andy™ and Geoffrey™. Bukakki pressed on, in at times ‘vague detail’, to present the full gamut of the new venture’s planned operations. ”It will handle a diverse slate”,  he stated including the construction of  “ships, skyscrapers, homes, power-plants, trains, planes, motorcycles, umbrellas, seesaws and time-machines” .  Apeshit plans to tackle the environmental problems head on, the ex-surgeon continued  ”with new and secret initiatives designed to help heal planet earth, whilst at the same time, building  infrastructure vital for our future.” “Going green” will be Apeshit’s watchword” he stated this morning.

When the two former bellhops were asked for comment, Andy proceeded to defecate in his hand and hurl it at the reporters, while Geoffrey swung from the ballroom’s crystal chandelier and urinated on the guests. One female reporter fainted, leaving the obvious question begging: “was there a doctor in the house? if so, why’d he pass out bananas!”

Buy a Chimp online for $60,000  HURRY BEFORE THEY ALL GO!!!!!