Heather Mills was “nothing but a ‘high-priced hooker’ and if value for money was on trial today, Miss Mills would get 20 years behind bars” according to the judge presiding over the divorce hearing between herself and Paul McCartney . The stunning tirade was made public yesterday after a closed court hearing in which Judge Bennet handed down his findings.

The judge went on to say that ”Miss Mill’s was a wooden-legged pirate and a saggy-titted whore.” “If the bitch was trying to fleece me like she did Mr McCartney I would have had fed her through a garden mulcher” stated justice Hugh Bennet.

Making reference to recent blockbusters like Pirates of The Caribbean and Lord Of The Rings, he slung insult after insult at the former model repeatedly referring to her as ”Blackbeard” and “Legolas”.

While the hearings have been taking place in closed-door sessions and neither side has—or likely will—commented on the details of the proceedings, their extension indicates the two sides have so far failed to come to terms on a financial settlement in the split.

But in a sign that the end is nigh, Court 34 at the Royal Courts of Justice where the proceedings are taking place, is booked only through Monday. The Judge went on to say “this money-grabbing slut better table a reasonable offer fast or she’ll get squat.” “Quite frankly, in my opinion, she doesn’t have a leg to stand on” he laughed.

Mills’ decision to represent herself in the case has also apparently contributed to the longer time frame and again received the ire from the Judge . “Miss Mills representing herself is likened to a low-rent porn-star performing brain surgery on themselves” laughed the judge.

The Washington Post- Tom Durong  Sunday May 25, 09:31 AM

A press conference held this morning at the Marriot’s grand ballroom by the mysterious and controversial doctor, Earnest Bukakki™, outlined his plans for “Apeshit Construction”. The new enterprise will be shepherded by his long-term assistants, Andy™ and Geoffrey™. Bukakki pressed on, in at times ‘vague detail’, to present the full gamut of the new venture’s planned operations. ”It will handle a diverse slate”,  he stated including the construction of  “ships, skyscrapers, homes, power-plants, trains, planes, motorcycles, umbrellas, seesaws and time-machines” .  Apeshit plans to tackle the environmental problems head on, the ex-surgeon continued  ”with new and secret initiatives designed to help heal planet earth, whilst at the same time, building  infrastructure vital for our future.” “Going green” will be Apeshit’s watchword” he stated this morning.

When the two former bellhops were asked for comment, Andy proceeded to defecate in his hand and hurl it at the reporters, while Geoffrey swung from the ballroom’s crystal chandelier and urinated on the guests. One female reporter fainted, leaving the obvious question begging: “was there a doctor in the house? if so, why’d he pass out bananas!”

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Reports surfaced yesterday from the set of Lindsay Lohan’s new movie: “If you can’t beat ém, beat off!™“  that have sparked a media frenzy in Tinseltown. An incident between her co-star Blacky™, making his feature film debut, who has been engaged in heated arguments about Lindsay’s professionalism on set, or “lack there-of!” has resulted in the controversial ass being fired.

Speaking off the record, an inside source said that yesterdays on-set spat went something like this:

Lindsay Lohan was on set talking to the Director, Peter Uke when Blacky approached her and innocently asked her what her opening line was for his cue: ”Y’know, like, I haven’t learnt my lines for this scene.” she stated  ”Excuse me?” Blacky said. “I never learn my lines. I prefer to work things out, like, y’know, with the director, so we’ll call you when we need you and please do not speak to me directly ever again.”  The “Mean Girls” star warned him. “Okay. That’s fine.”  Blacky told her: “You guys work out whatever you have to work out. I know I’m fairly new at this, but, personally, I believe that an actor should learn his or her lines and they should be humble and gracious. That’s just the way I see it.”

 ”Who cares what you think” Lohan lashed back ”you’re just a big dumb jackass, who got famous for biting someone on the chest!” After a long pause Lindsay flicked her hair and shrugged at her four-legged co-star, who calmly retorted: “Okay, that’s fine. If you don’t think you need to learn your lines, then that’s your business. But you’re wasting my time, okay?  So here’s what I’m going to do while you “y’know, work things out.” he mocked. ”I’m going to go back to my trailer, to review the surveillance footage of you completely naked while you took a shower this morning. That’s right, I put a surveillance camera in the roof of your trailer!” He stated. ”So you guys work out whatever it is you need to do while I go and whack off.”

Within minutes of dropping the stunning bombshell, security arrived en masse and surrounded Lohan’s trailer. Upon investigation a small recording device was found hidden in the vent above her shower .

The Lohan camp immediately contacted authorities.

Cast and crew, led by the director, and the near hysterical Lohan camp, approached and surrounded the trailer of her tempestuous co-star.  After repeated attempts to prise open his door the behoved star appeared, dressed only in a robe and holding a bottle of Scotch, to address the assembled mob.

“Suddenly, his trailer door was dramatically flung opened” said a crew member. “The actor stepped out and calmly said”… ”Look: It’s done. I’ve jerked-off to it, I’ve uploaded it onto YouTube, I’ve called TMZ.com, it’s out there, you’re fucked. Next time, learn your lines!”

Lindsay Lohan, speaking through her agent and Lawyer Richard Grease issued this statement. “I am deeply disappointed in Blacky’s actions. He has damaged by name, my reputation and my brand recognition factor”.

When asked if he regretted the incident Blacky simply shrugged “I only agreed to do the stupid flick ’cause I wanted to try and bang the bitch, she’s lucky I didn’t crush her lungs”.