Limbuagh's house raided

In a early morning raid today, NYPD officers stormed Rush Limbaugh’s house in what critics are already calling the “St. Patty’s day frameup..”  The entertainer was on the air at the time of the raid and couldn’t be reached for comment but did state on his radio show that he hopes President Obama fails miserably. The rest of his statement was distorted by labored breathing and the sound of Limbaugh’s sweat dripping on and shorting out the microphone, a persistent problem that reportedly has Clear Channel considering shrink-wrapping everything in his studio.

Officers found an underground dungeon in Limbaugh’s basement, reminiscent of the secret rooms Austrian Josef Fritzl’s daughter was found in last year. The true nature of this “dungeon” is unknown at the time of this writing but appears to have been used as a paraphernalia storeroom for Limbaugh’s upcoming St. Patrick’s day party.

Officers found over one thousand green colored tablets of generic vicodin as well as ten thousand shamrock shaped oxycontins. And in a bizarre development, Limbaugh was holding captive at least three illegal Irish midgets who had been brain-washed into thinking they were leprechauns .

Freed midgets

They stated that the condservative pundit was demanding they grant him three wishes, two of which they claim he has already used. “Judging by the anal tears on the three midgets, it looks like he still has one wish up his sleeve” stated an officer at the scene.

Zoltar, and his ambushing crew,  were set upon in a frenzied, violent, vicious and cowardly attack which has left his cameraman and sound operator fighting for their lives. Zoltar has fared much worse and endured a marathon 28-hour operation to repair a grocery-list of sickening injuries, which doctors say, include: ”a collapsed lung, ruptured spleen, a punctured left ear-drum, two broken arms, a broken knee-cap, three cracked vertebrae, eight broken ribs, a fractured collar-bone, a shattered hip, a crushed ankle, deep lacerations to his hands, neck, calve and thigh muscles; a hair-line fracture to the skull, dozens of hen-pecked wounds to the ears, forehead, chin, cheeks, eyes and throat – and his nose – that had to be completely sewn back on.”

Zoltar Zays struck fame when he exposed to the world the secret to Donald Trumps ‘fold-over’ hairline. He was given his own show on the KKL Network and made a fortune out of his harmless “surprise makeover raids”. The show was planning to air the “El Pollo Locco make-over episode” in two weeks, but now local police, FBI and the CIA are gearing-up for a nation-wide manhunt for the desperate gang of thieves that have inflicted this cowardly unprovoked attack.

A spokesman for the  KKL Network issued this statement: “Zoltar is a one-of-a-kind talent, he will be back better than ever. I hope the cowards that did this are brought to justice, they have no sense of fun; we are all praying that Zoltar makes a speedy recovery.”