Vladimir Putin “Healthcare reform: Everyone over 40 years of age, to be shot!”

Barack OBAMA “People are angry, they are frustrated. Maybe we should just let them all die?”

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Lindsay Lohan Disappears After Intervention

Lindsay Lohan Disappears After Intervention

In a bizarre development, all trace of Lindsay Lohan has disappeared from the planet. The precocious child star of the Parent Trap turned adult train wreck has vanished without a trace. Recently distraught over her breakup from lesbian DJ Samantha Ronson, the actress seemed to be on a downward spiral into irrelevance. In an emergency intervention, father Michael Lohan sent a time traveler back to the set of “The Parent Trap” to present young Lindsay with photographic evidence of her future in an effort to convince her to take a different path.

But it appears that tactic has backfired. When the adorable child star was shown a photo of ex-girlfriend Samantha Ronson, the little girl was repulsed. “What is that? A girl or a guy? Either way, I think that’s the ugliest person I’ve ever seen.” When told that her future self was in love with the DJ, young Lohan started laughing, unbelieving, “No, no way I become that stupid. There aren’t enough drugs in the world to make me do that. You’re a silly man. time travel isn’t possible anyway.” The laughter stopped when the messenger revealed disturbing photos of Lohan’s future self after a three day drug binge, stating, “No, there are enough drugs in the world and you’ve taken them all, Lindsey.” When he showed the young Lohan graphic photos of future Lohan and Ronson making out in a club, the innocent little 12 year old started crying uncontrollably.

In a misguided attempt at tough love, the time traveler then told her that unless she changed her ways she would spend at least a year feasting on Ronson’s love box, the poor little girl screamed an unholy scream and died from fright, her angelic young face frozen in abject terror. Future Lohan was notified of the developments then spent the rest of her cash on a boatload of cocaine, snorted all of it, and tried to hit the party circuit. After being denied entrance to at least twenty parties, two of them thrown by Ronson, she retreated to her home and was forced to watch helplessly as photos of her became progressively transparent, proving Back to the Future’s time travel theory correct, then disappeared completely.

Our only memories of Lohan, consist of videos like this, taken before her disappearance, her inexplicably misguided devotion to a hag like Ronson a warning to all child stars to “Say No to Drugs”

Jay Cutler Already Demanding Trade From Bears

Jay Cutler Already Demanding Trade From Bears

With the ink barely dry on the Bears deal, Jay Cutler, the disgruntled former quarterback for the Denver Broncos is reportedly already demanding a trade from the Chicago Bears. Cutler feels that being traded for Kyle Orton and an assortment of draft picks doesn’t show proper respect for his legacy. “It’s as if they have no idea about my place in NFL history, I view the terms of this deal as an insult not only to me but to every NFL player who’s ever strapped on a helmet. I will never set foot in the city of Chicago, let alone play for the Chicago Bears.” Cutler feels that his lifetime record of 17-20, QB rating of 87.1 and zero playoff appearances is worthy of more respect. “There are two players worthy of being traded for me, Tom Brady and Peyton Manning. Unless my agent calls saying I’m going to Indy or New England, I’m not setting foot in the airport.”

When told of Cutler’s comments, Bears defensive captain Brian Urlacher responded, “Fine, we dont’ want that little shit here anyway. What has he done in this league? He looks like he’s been strapped to a bong since he was five years old.” Former teammate John Lynch stated “Jay should count his blessings. With that ridiculous pot habit of his, he’s lucky to land a job at McDonald’s. I have no idea how he’s lasted this long in the NFL. Jay used to coast his way through team meetings, giggling uncontrollably and gorging himself on fried chicken in the back. I don’t know how Shanahan could stand it.”

Addressing the doubters, Cutler cited his performance on the last day of the 2008 season, “Anyone who watches the tape of me blowing that game to the Chargers and ending our playoff hopes will agree, I am one of the top 3 QBs in the league. And I expect to start getting treated like it.”

When reached for comment, Cutler’s agent’s only response was “Jay who?”

Developing…

PRESIDENT ELECT BARACK OBAMA TO LEGALIZE “WEED”

PRESIDENT ELECT BARACK OBAMA TO LEGALIZE “WEED”

President Obama is on the verge of offering Heroin to individuals in New York.