The photo that killed a child star

1998 Lohan: Tragic victim of her future self

In a bizarre development, Lindsay Lohan has disappeared from the planet. The precocious child star of the Parent Trap turned adult train wreck has vanished without a trace. Recently distraught over her breakup from lesbian DJ Samantha Ronson, the actress seemed to be on a downward spiral into irrelevance. In an emergency intervention, father Michael Lohan dispatched a time traveler back to the set of “The Parent Trap” to present young Lindsay with photographic evidence of her future in an effort to convince her to take a different path.

Not that stupid? Think again, 1998 Lindsay

But it appears that tactic has backfired. When the adorable child star was shown a photo of ex-girlfriend Samantha Ronson, the little girl was repulsed. “What is that? A girl or a guy? Either way, I think that’s the ugliest person I’ve ever seen.” When told that her future self was in love with the DJ, young Lohan started laughing, unbelieving, “No, no way I become that stupid. There aren’t enough drugs in the world to make me do that. You’re a silly man. Time travel isn’t possible anyway.”

The laughter stopped when the messenger revealed disturbing photos of Lohan’s future self after a three day drug binge, stating, “I’m sorry, Lindsay but there are enough drugs in the world and you take them all.”

When he showed the young Lohan graphic photos of future Lohan and Ronson making out in a club, the innocent little 12 year old started crying uncontrollably.

Future Lohan after "all the drugs"

In a misguided attempt at tough love, the time traveler then told her that unless she changed her ways she would spend at least a year feasting on Ronson’s “love box,” the poor little girl screamed an unholy scream and died from fright, her angelic young face frozen in abject terror.

Future Lohan was notified of the developments then spent the rest of her cash on a boatload of cocaine, snorted all of it, and tried to hit the party circuit. After being denied entrance to at least twenty parties, two of them thrown by Ronson, she retreated to her home and was forced to watch helplessly as photos of her became progressively transparent, proving Back to the Future’s time travel theory correct, then disappeared completely.

So we are sadly left with only our quickly fading memories of Lohan. Paparazzi videos like the one below, shot before her disappearance provide a cautionary tale, her inexplicably misguided devotion to Ronson a warning to all child stars to “Say No to Drugs”

UPDATE: Lindsay’s drug-addled mother, Dina, has reportedly sent her own time traveler to the Parent Trap set to try to kill Michael’s time traveler.

Developing…

The Washington Post- Tom Durong  Sunday May 25, 09:31 AM

A press conference held this morning at the Marriot’s grand ballroom by the mysterious and controversial doctor, Earnest Bukakki™, outlined his plans for “Apeshit Construction”. The new enterprise will be shepherded by his long-term assistants, Andy™ and Geoffrey™. Bukakki pressed on, in at times ‘vague detail’, to present the full gamut of the new venture’s planned operations. ”It will handle a diverse slate”,  he stated including the construction of  “ships, skyscrapers, homes, power-plants, trains, planes, motorcycles, umbrellas, seesaws and time-machines” .  Apeshit plans to tackle the environmental problems head on, the ex-surgeon continued  ”with new and secret initiatives designed to help heal planet earth, whilst at the same time, building  infrastructure vital for our future.” “Going green” will be Apeshit’s watchword” he stated this morning.

When the two former bellhops were asked for comment, Andy proceeded to defecate in his hand and hurl it at the reporters, while Geoffrey swung from the ballroom’s crystal chandelier and urinated on the guests. One female reporter fainted, leaving the obvious question begging: “was there a doctor in the house? if so, why’d he pass out bananas!”

Buy a Chimp online for $60,000  HURRY BEFORE THEY ALL GO!!!!!

Reports surfaced yesterday from the set of Lindsay Lohan’s new movie: “If you can’t beat ém, beat off!™“  that have sparked a media frenzy in Tinseltown. An incident between her co-star Blacky™, making his feature film debut, who has been engaged in heated arguments about Lindsay’s professionalism on set, or “lack there-of!” has resulted in the controversial ass being fired.

Speaking off the record, an inside source said that yesterdays on-set spat went something like this:

Lindsay Lohan was on set talking to the Director, Peter Uke when Blacky approached her and innocently asked her what her opening line was for his cue: ”Y’know, like, I haven’t learnt my lines for this scene.” she stated  ”Excuse me?” Blacky said. “I never learn my lines. I prefer to work things out, like, y’know, with the director, so we’ll call you when we need you and please do not speak to me directly ever again.”  The “Mean Girls” star warned him. “Okay. That’s fine.”  Blacky told her: “You guys work out whatever you have to work out. I know I’m fairly new at this, but, personally, I believe that an actor should learn his or her lines and they should be humble and gracious. That’s just the way I see it.”

 ”Who cares what you think” Lohan lashed back ”you’re just a big dumb jackass, who got famous for biting someone on the chest!” After a long pause Lindsay flicked her hair and shrugged at her four-legged co-star, who calmly retorted: “Okay, that’s fine. If you don’t think you need to learn your lines, then that’s your business. But you’re wasting my time, okay?  So here’s what I’m going to do while you “y’know, work things out.” he mocked. ”I’m going to go back to my trailer, to review the surveillance footage of you completely naked while you took a shower this morning. That’s right, I put a surveillance camera in the roof of your trailer!” He stated. ”So you guys work out whatever it is you need to do while I go and whack off.”

Within minutes of dropping the stunning bombshell, security arrived en masse and surrounded Lohan’s trailer. Upon investigation a small recording device was found hidden in the vent above her shower .

The Lohan camp immediately contacted authorities.

Cast and crew, led by the director, and the near hysterical Lohan camp, approached and surrounded the trailer of her tempestuous co-star.  After repeated attempts to prise open his door the behoved star appeared, dressed only in a robe and holding a bottle of Scotch, to address the assembled mob.

“Suddenly, his trailer door was dramatically flung opened” said a crew member. “The actor stepped out and calmly said”… ”Look: It’s done. I’ve jerked-off to it, I’ve uploaded it onto YouTube, I’ve called TMZ.com, it’s out there, you’re fucked. Next time, learn your lines!”

Lindsay Lohan, speaking through her agent and Lawyer Richard Grease issued this statement. “I am deeply disappointed in Blacky’s actions. He has damaged by name, my reputation and my brand recognition factor”.

When asked if he regretted the incident Blacky simply shrugged “I only agreed to do the stupid flick ’cause I wanted to try and bang the bitch, she’s lucky I didn’t crush her lungs”.