The photo that killed a child star

1998 Lohan: Tragic victim of her future self

In a bizarre development, Lindsay Lohan has disappeared from the planet. The precocious child star of the Parent Trap turned adult train wreck has vanished without a trace. Recently distraught over her breakup from lesbian DJ Samantha Ronson, the actress seemed to be on a downward spiral into irrelevance. In an emergency intervention, father Michael Lohan dispatched a time traveler back to the set of “The Parent Trap” to present young Lindsay with photographic evidence of her future in an effort to convince her to take a different path.

Not that stupid? Think again, 1998 Lindsay

But it appears that tactic has backfired. When the adorable child star was shown a photo of ex-girlfriend Samantha Ronson, the little girl was repulsed. “What is that? A girl or a guy? Either way, I think that’s the ugliest person I’ve ever seen.” When told that her future self was in love with the DJ, young Lohan started laughing, unbelieving, “No, no way I become that stupid. There aren’t enough drugs in the world to make me do that. You’re a silly man. Time travel isn’t possible anyway.”

The laughter stopped when the messenger revealed disturbing photos of Lohan’s future self after a three day drug binge, stating, “I’m sorry, Lindsay but there are enough drugs in the world and you take them all.”

When he showed the young Lohan graphic photos of future Lohan and Ronson making out in a club, the innocent little 12 year old started crying uncontrollably.

Future Lohan after "all the drugs"

In a misguided attempt at tough love, the time traveler then told her that unless she changed her ways she would spend at least a year feasting on Ronson’s “love box,” the poor little girl screamed an unholy scream and died from fright, her angelic young face frozen in abject terror.

Future Lohan was notified of the developments then spent the rest of her cash on a boatload of cocaine, snorted all of it, and tried to hit the party circuit. After being denied entrance to at least twenty parties, two of them thrown by Ronson, she retreated to her home and was forced to watch helplessly as photos of her became progressively transparent, proving Back to the Future’s time travel theory correct, then disappeared completely.

So we are sadly left with only our quickly fading memories of Lohan. Paparazzi videos like the one below, shot before her disappearance provide a cautionary tale, her inexplicably misguided devotion to Ronson a warning to all child stars to “Say No to Drugs”

UPDATE: Lindsay’s drug-addled mother, Dina, has reportedly sent her own time traveler to the Parent Trap set to try to kill Michael’s time traveler.

Developing…

Jay Cutler stoned at game?

With the ink barely dry on the Bears deal, Jay Cutler, the disgruntled former quarterback for the Denver Broncos is reportedly already demanding a trade from the Chicago Bears. Cutler feels that being traded for Kyle Orton and an assortment of draft picks doesn’t show proper respect for his legacy. “It’s as if they have no idea about my place in NFL history, I view the terms of this deal as an insult not only to me but to every NFL player who’s ever strapped on a helmet. I will never set foot in the city of Chicago, let alone play for the Chicago Bears.” Cutler feels that his lifetime record of 17-20, QB rating of 87.1 and zero playoff appearances is worthy of more respect. “There are two players worthy of being traded for me, Tom Brady and Peyton Manning. Unless my agent calls saying I’m going to Indy or New England, I’m not setting foot in the airport.”

When told of Cutler’s comments, Bears defensive captain Brian Urlacher responded, “Fine, we dont’ want that little shit here anyway. What has he done in this league? He looks like he’s been strapped to a bong since he was five years old.” Former teammate John Lynch stated “Jay should count his blessings. With that ridiculous pot habit of his, he’s lucky to land a job at McDonald’s. I have no idea how he’s lasted this long in the NFL. Jay used to coast his way through team meetings, giggling uncontrollably and gorging himself on fried chicken in the back. I don’t know how Shanahan could stand it.”

Jay Cutler Stoned at photoshoot

Addressing the doubters, Cutler cited his performance on the last day of the 2008 season, “Anyone who watches the tape of me blowing that game to the Chargers and ending our playoff hopes will agree, I am one of the top 3 QBs in the league. And I expect to start getting treated like it.”

When reached for comment, Cutler’s agent’s only response was “Jay who?”

Developing…

Limbuagh's house raided

In a early morning raid today, NYPD officers stormed Rush Limbaugh’s house in what critics are already calling the “St. Patty’s day frameup..”  The entertainer was on the air at the time of the raid and couldn’t be reached for comment but did state on his radio show that he hopes President Obama fails miserably. The rest of his statement was distorted by labored breathing and the sound of Limbaugh’s sweat dripping on and shorting out the microphone, a persistent problem that reportedly has Clear Channel considering shrink-wrapping everything in his studio.

Officers found an underground dungeon in Limbaugh’s basement, reminiscent of the secret rooms Austrian Josef Fritzl’s daughter was found in last year. The true nature of this “dungeon” is unknown at the time of this writing but appears to have been used as a paraphernalia storeroom for Limbaugh’s upcoming St. Patrick’s day party.

Officers found over one thousand green colored tablets of generic vicodin as well as ten thousand shamrock shaped oxycontins. And in a bizarre development, Limbaugh was holding captive at least three illegal Irish midgets who had been brain-washed into thinking they were leprechauns .

Freed midgets

They stated that the condservative pundit was demanding they grant him three wishes, two of which they claim he has already used. “Judging by the anal tears on the three midgets, it looks like he still has one wish up his sleeve” stated an officer at the scene.

Reports surfaced yesterday from the set of Lindsay Lohan’s new movie: “If you can’t beat ém, beat off!™“  that have sparked a media frenzy in Tinseltown. An incident between her co-star Blacky™, making his feature film debut, who has been engaged in heated arguments about Lindsay’s professionalism on set, or “lack there-of!” has resulted in the controversial ass being fired.

Speaking off the record, an inside source said that yesterdays on-set spat went something like this:

Lindsay Lohan was on set talking to the Director, Peter Uke when Blacky approached her and innocently asked her what her opening line was for his cue: ”Y’know, like, I haven’t learnt my lines for this scene.” she stated  ”Excuse me?” Blacky said. “I never learn my lines. I prefer to work things out, like, y’know, with the director, so we’ll call you when we need you and please do not speak to me directly ever again.”  The “Mean Girls” star warned him. “Okay. That’s fine.”  Blacky told her: “You guys work out whatever you have to work out. I know I’m fairly new at this, but, personally, I believe that an actor should learn his or her lines and they should be humble and gracious. That’s just the way I see it.”

 ”Who cares what you think” Lohan lashed back ”you’re just a big dumb jackass, who got famous for biting someone on the chest!” After a long pause Lindsay flicked her hair and shrugged at her four-legged co-star, who calmly retorted: “Okay, that’s fine. If you don’t think you need to learn your lines, then that’s your business. But you’re wasting my time, okay?  So here’s what I’m going to do while you “y’know, work things out.” he mocked. ”I’m going to go back to my trailer, to review the surveillance footage of you completely naked while you took a shower this morning. That’s right, I put a surveillance camera in the roof of your trailer!” He stated. ”So you guys work out whatever it is you need to do while I go and whack off.”

Within minutes of dropping the stunning bombshell, security arrived en masse and surrounded Lohan’s trailer. Upon investigation a small recording device was found hidden in the vent above her shower .

The Lohan camp immediately contacted authorities.

Cast and crew, led by the director, and the near hysterical Lohan camp, approached and surrounded the trailer of her tempestuous co-star.  After repeated attempts to prise open his door the behoved star appeared, dressed only in a robe and holding a bottle of Scotch, to address the assembled mob.

“Suddenly, his trailer door was dramatically flung opened” said a crew member. “The actor stepped out and calmly said”… ”Look: It’s done. I’ve jerked-off to it, I’ve uploaded it onto YouTube, I’ve called TMZ.com, it’s out there, you’re fucked. Next time, learn your lines!”

Lindsay Lohan, speaking through her agent and Lawyer Richard Grease issued this statement. “I am deeply disappointed in Blacky’s actions. He has damaged by name, my reputation and my brand recognition factor”.

When asked if he regretted the incident Blacky simply shrugged “I only agreed to do the stupid flick ’cause I wanted to try and bang the bitch, she’s lucky I didn’t crush her lungs”.