Thomas Peep's Daily News™ » Attack

Leo DiCaprio Ready to Face his Face-Slasher

admin — Sat, 13 Nov 2010 17:00:11 +0000

Leo's face slashed: "Where's your goat?"

Law enforcement sources tell us Leo is being “extremely cooperative” with prosecutors on the Aretha Wilson case. 40-year-old Wilson appeared, briefly, in court on Wednesday and is being held on$150,000 bail. An unidentified goat was tied up outside the court room.

According to our sources, Leo has told authorities that he will take the stand and testify against Wilson and her goat, if necessary. ”I asked her to perform a sex-act, and she reacted like this.” Wilson allegedly slashed DiCaprio’s face with a glass during a 2005 party in the Hollywood Hills after turning down his request to perform a sex-act. “No one knew why she was there” a source said. So, Leo presumed she was “the entertainment for the night” ”Is that why you brought a goat?” He asked her. ”She just snapped…for no reason and screamed: ‘I don’t have sex with goats’.” The source added: “Have you seen her? She definitely has sex with goats”.

Wilson was extradited from Canada last week, along with unnamed goat and charged with assault with a deadly weapon.

Sex act denied

Will Goat Testify?

Who’s Who In the Zoo? With Peter Boo

thomaspeep — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 16:57:43 +0000

Lunchtime at the Berlin Zoo

You’ve probably all heard by now about the deranged German woman who, 2 weeks ago, jumped into a polar bear enclosure during feeding time at the Berlin Zoo. But what about the other side of the story? Our own Peter Boo sat down with Bongo, the polar bear in question, yesterday afternoon for a no holds barred conversation.

BOO: So, how goes it Bingo?

BONGO: It’s Bongo.

BOO: Sure, sure, Bonzo.

BONGO: How are those restraints going?

BONGO: They hurt?

BOO: I bet they do. But you can’t be trusted can you? So, what were you thinking when you bit that innocent zoo goer last week, Bonzo?

BONGO: Innocent? She dove into the moat! I know the rules, anything that comes into my enclosure is fair game.

BOO: Is it? Well why didn’t eat the nickels my granddaughter threw in there last week?

BONGO: You’re not supposed to throw coins in the water, it could seriously damage my digestive system.

BOO: So, Hannibal, you’re smart enough to know not to eat metal, but you’re playing dumb now over the attempted consumption of a human being?

BONGO: Humans are our natural enemy, in the wild…

BOO: Hold the phone there Barney, you’re not in “the wild,” you’re in a zoo! You’re on our turf! Your keepers are humans! We feed you; house you; clean up your crap and tend to every one of your whims. Without us you’d last two minutes in the big smoke, don’t forget that?

BONGO: We didn’t ask to be here. We’re, in a sense, imprisoned here.

BOO: Yeah, I’m sure you put up one hell of a fight when they came a-knocking? “Guys, we’re taking some of you lucky stiffs outta this frozen tundra out here in the middle of nowhere; this depressing arctic wasteland you call home, where you have to hunt all day for food, compete to the death with thousand of others just like you for your very survival — and in return, we’re taking you to a paradise. There you can swim and frolic all day in 5-star luxury surroundings, where everything you’ve wanted and everything you’ll ever need will be handed to you on a silver platter.” Yes indeed, Banjo, you’ve certainly had the rough-end-of-the-stick with this crumby arrangement.

BONGO: I was a 3-month-old cub when I was captured…

BOO: Oh, you were!? So, how do you know what you’ve been missing out on then?

BONGO: You humans are destroying our natural habitat by adding to global warming. If I ever wanted to go back home one day, it may not even be there–

BOO: So, that’s what the ‘love-bite’ was all about, payback? Spare me. Al Gore’s got to you too, has he? The ice-caps are not melting Bangle, not that you’d know anything about it from the ‘çheap-seats’. But, I’ll tell you what, here’s the deal: I won’t start my car anymore if you and your buddies push me around town.

BONGO: Sorry?

BOO: What I’m saying is this: If I’m going without gas, then you layabouts are going to have to start doing some of the heavy lifting. Deal?

BONGO: [Loud roar] You’re making me very angry!

BOO: I’m sure the truth hurts. Next time you want to neck one of us humans, maybe you could do us all a favor and take a bite out of Al Gore’s fat ass. Have you seen it lately? It’s expanding faster than a Arctic winter ice sheet. Get it?

Peter Boo was just awarded a Pulitzer for his groundbreaking interview with Al Gore appearing in this publication weeks ago. Full winner list below:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/04/20/Pulitzer-prizes-2009-new_n_189102.html

video embed

TV HOST ZOLTAR ZAYS: FIGHTING FOR HIS LIFE!

thomaspeep — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 03:16:50 +0000

At a rushed press conference this afternoon a tearful Chuck Speed, President of the KKL Network told reporters that TV reality star Zoltar Zays, is said to be recovering in hospital today from “severe injuries” after being attacked by the El Pollo Loco Crew yesterday at the Sunburst Hotel near New York’s JFK’s airport.

Zoltar, and his ambushing crew, were set upon in a frenzied, violent, vicious and cowardly attack which has left his cameraman and sound operator fighting for their lives. Zoltar has fared much worse and endured a marathon 28-hour operation to repair a grocery-list of sickening injuries, which doctors say, include: ”a collapsed lung, ruptured spleen, a punctured left ear-drum, two broken arms, a broken knee-cap, three cracked vertebrae, eight broken ribs, a fractured collar-bone, a shattered hip, a crushed ankle, deep lacerations to his hands, neck, calve and thigh muscles; a hair-line fracture to the skull, dozens of hen-pecked wounds to the ears, forehead, chin, cheeks, eyes and throat – and his nose – that had to be completely sewn back on.”

Zoltar Zays struck fame when he exposed to the world the secret to Donald Trumps ‘fold-over’ hairline. He was given his own show on the KKL Network and made a fortune out of his harmless “surprise makeover raids”. The show was planning to air the “El Pollo Locco make-over episode” in two weeks, but now local police, FBI and the CIA are gearing-up for a nation-wide manhunt for the desperate gang of thieves that have inflicted this cowardly unprovoked attack.

A spokesman for the KKL Network issued this statement: “Zoltar is a one-of-a-kind talent, he will be back better than ever. I hope the cowards that did this are brought to justice, they have no sense of fun; we are all praying that Zoltar makes a speedy recovery.”