Today it was reported with great sadness that Kermit the frog is in critical condition at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center with the Swine flu. How he contracted the disease remains a mystery. Our own Peter Boo headed to the hospital today to get the inside story.
BOO: First of all, let me say our thoughts and prayers are with you, Kevin.
KERMIT: Uh, thanks, but it’s Kermit.
BOO: Sure, sure. Sorry my bad, Kenneth. So, the swine flu, is it as bad as it sounds?
KERMIT: It’s worse. I haven’t had a good night’s sleep since Thursday and I’ve had cold sweats, heart palpitations, dry mouth, sore back and–
BOO: We got it Kenny, you’re sick, starting to sound repetitive. Let’s move on: I hate to ask you this but the public is demanding answers. Did your girlfriend have anything to do with this?
KERMIT: I don’t want to accuse Miss Piggy of anything but let’s face it, you sleep with a pig every night for twenty years, there are going to be consequences.
BOO: So, you’re not a Muslim then I take it… good, that was my next question.
BOO: Nothing. Feeling green ain’t what’s it cracked up to be.
KERMIT: Er… No.
BOO: How’s it feel when people call you r gilfriend a pig?
KERMIT: Well, she is.
BOO: Ahh, so you admit it?
KERMIT: Pass me my water.
BOO: In a sec. How do you think you contracted the disease?
KERMIT: Well, Piggy and I were in bed, doing a move we call “Over the Rainbow”… When we were done, I lay there for twenty-minutes exhausted and within minutes I started feeling like I was about to be sick.
BOO: “As snug as a pig-in-a-poke no more, huh? I hear you.
BOO: Have you heard from Piggy since this late-night dalliance?
KERMIT: No, the bitch. She’s afraid she might get infected. She just sent me that card over there. (points to the corner)
BOO: Oh, let me have a look at that. (Gets up, trips) Good god! Who put all these tubes here? How’s a man supposed to move around this room?
KERMIT: (gasping) Help….
BOO: (reading the card) Hold your horses, I’m going to read it to you, you little impatient green bastard.
KERMIT: Can’t… breathe…
BOO: I know you can’t read, that’s why I’m reading it. (reading the card) Oh Kermie, I’ll always remember the good times. You’ll always hold a special place in my heart. (trips on an IV) Bloody hell, somebody should reconnect these tubes.
BOO: How does that note make you feel?
KERMIT: (eyes roll back in head, flatline tone fills the room)
BOO: Nurse, there’s something making a really loud annoying sound in here!!! Can someone get in here and turn it off? It’s driving me insane.
BOO: Kerry, any last words…?
BOO: I guess, in the words of your girlfriend’s brother: “that’s badeer, eh-badeer, eh, that’s all folks!”