Vladimir Putin “Healthcare reform: Everyone over 40 years of age, to be shot!”

Barack OBAMA “People are angry, they are frustrated. Maybe we should just let them all die?”

Archive for the Category ‘Breaking news’

Who’s Who In the Zoo? With Peter Boo

Who’s Who In the Zoo? With Peter Boo

” Yeah sounds like one rough deal, I’m sure you put up one hell of a fight. “We’re taking you away from this frozen tundra here in Antarctica, this wasteland, where you have to hunt all day for food, and compete with thousand of others just like you, and take you to this paradise where you can swim and frolic all day in 5-star luxury and we’ll take car of everything you will ever need.”

Susan Boyle to Headline 2010 Superbowl Half-Time

Susan Boyle to Headline 2010 Superbowl Half-Time

My second number will probably be even sexier, I really think my fans have been deprived of that side of me so far. But not to worry, sexy Susan is on her way!!!

Hannity Set to Play Lane’s Gay Brother in Birdcage 2

Hannity Set to Play Lane’s Gay Brother in Birdcage 2

It was just announced that Sean Hannity will be reprising Nathan lane’s role as Albert Goldman in Birdcage 2. After successfully fooling the Keeleys in Birdcage one, Hannity is said to play an Albert Goldman intent on revealing his gaiety to the Keeley family and force them to accept him. The sequel is structured around Hannity’s character trying to seduce the Keeley patriarch in an effort to prove “Gay is OK.” As Hannity has gotten more and more made up as he took over his own show the resemblance to gay icon Lane was impossible to ignore. Post Obama election, as hannity careened closer and closer to irrelevance, he needed more motivation to get people to watch his tired show. Gay is okay became the order of the day.

Said fox News head Roger Ailes, “I’m not sure what happened but the resemblance became impossible to ignore the attention Sean received from the gay community became impossible to ignore. He has a huge gay fan base and seems to be cultivating it, each night his lipstick application seems to be higher. I look forward to partnering with Paramount studios in cultivating Sean’s new image. I’ve got to be honest, when I watched his “expose” on Ruth Bader Ginsburg the other night, I wanted to kiss my screen – really… full on the mouth. I would have given Sean full tongue. Sean is set to be a superstar and gay icon…. look out Ian McKellen.”

The Pirates of Somalia: Dead Man’s Transcript

The Pirates of Somalia: Dead Man’s Transcript

A day after the Navy SEALS’ heroic rescue of Captain Richard Phillips, details of his kidnapping are beginning to filter out. Only now is the true extent of the pirates’ madness becoming clear.

In transcripts of conversations between US Navy Commander Frank Castellano and head of the Somali pirates union Abdi Dalmar, it becomes clear that an impasse in the troubled negotiations necessitated the attack. Full transcript of the decisive last five minutes follows.

CASTELLANO: “You must understand you are in serious violation of international maritime law, if you do not surrender the captain him immediately, you will face the full force of US Naval retaliation.
DALMAR: “Oh sure, America love pirates when Johnny Depp play one but when Somali play one, they call Navy seals! Why you no call Navy Seals on Johnny Depp? You make him Best Actor!!!”
CASTELLANO: “That’s a movie, you have kidnapped a real person.”
UNIDENTIFIED PIRATE VOICE: “Tell him I want best actor too!!!”
CASTELLANO: “I repeat, you have five minutes to surrender or you will give us no choice but to attack.”
DALMAR: “No, didn’t you see movie? Pirates fun, pirates dance, pirates get women. We expected Keira Knightley to be on ship. Where she? You get us her or big consequences for you”
CASTELLANO: “Keira Knightley is not coming. You have four minutes left.”
DALMAR: “You find her… and you get us rum. Do it!”
CASTELLANO: “There will be no rum. three and a half minutes and we attack.”
DALMAR: “Go ahead, attack, Davy Jones come after you then and make you go on ship that goes underwater. We flip ship over and then become human!!!”
CASTELLANO: “What?”
DALMAR: “Ha! You clearly no see movie which puts you at disadvantage to us.”
CASTELLANO: “Those Pirates of the Caribbean movies were some of the worst movies ever made!!!”
DALMAR: “No, they make billions of dollars. America love pirates, you love pirates!!”
CASTELLANO: “They were terrible, you try to explain the plots to me. If you can, I let you go.”
DALMAR: “It’s easy, Johnny Depp have funny teeth, he real funny pirate, like us, he dance and be really dead.. but no one know at beginning, he on run from Davy Jones because he stole Black Pearl, then he make friends with Orlando Bloom, who like Keira Knightley, but she like Johnny Depp but he really dead, then Johnny lie to Orlando and Orlando lie to Johnny and many funny delightful doublecrosses ensue.”
UNIDENTIFIED PIRATE VOICE: “And don’t forget sword fights. Lots of funny sword fights.”
CASTELLANO: “I’m sorry I asked. You have one minute.”
DALMAR: “You get us blu-ray DVD of this landmark trilogy and cast us in fourth movie or…”
CASTELLANO: (to sniper team) “[Expletive deleted] this guy, take your shot.”

US warship on the scene

After that three shots are heard. Killed in the attack were Dalmar. Korfa Ghedi, and Umbuku Mbeki, Somalia’s answer to Orlando Bloom, who had apparently was under the belief he was about to be cast in “Pirates of the Caribbean 4: Somali Suprise”. At press time, it is believed this fourth pirate was the unidentified voice on the audiotapes.

Lindsay Lohan Disappears After Intervention

Lindsay Lohan Disappears After Intervention

In a bizarre development, all trace of Lindsay Lohan has disappeared from the planet. The precocious child star of the Parent Trap turned adult train wreck has vanished without a trace. Recently distraught over her breakup from lesbian DJ Samantha Ronson, the actress seemed to be on a downward spiral into irrelevance. In an emergency intervention, father Michael Lohan sent a time traveler back to the set of “The Parent Trap” to present young Lindsay with photographic evidence of her future in an effort to convince her to take a different path.

But it appears that tactic has backfired. When the adorable child star was shown a photo of ex-girlfriend Samantha Ronson, the little girl was repulsed. “What is that? A girl or a guy? Either way, I think that’s the ugliest person I’ve ever seen.” When told that her future self was in love with the DJ, young Lohan started laughing, unbelieving, “No, no way I become that stupid. There aren’t enough drugs in the world to make me do that. You’re a silly man. time travel isn’t possible anyway.” The laughter stopped when the messenger revealed disturbing photos of Lohan’s future self after a three day drug binge, stating, “No, there are enough drugs in the world and you’ve taken them all, Lindsey.” When he showed the young Lohan graphic photos of future Lohan and Ronson making out in a club, the innocent little 12 year old started crying uncontrollably.

In a misguided attempt at tough love, the time traveler then told her that unless she changed her ways she would spend at least a year feasting on Ronson’s love box, the poor little girl screamed an unholy scream and died from fright, her angelic young face frozen in abject terror. Future Lohan was notified of the developments then spent the rest of her cash on a boatload of cocaine, snorted all of it, and tried to hit the party circuit. After being denied entrance to at least twenty parties, two of them thrown by Ronson, she retreated to her home and was forced to watch helplessly as photos of her became progressively transparent, proving Back to the Future’s time travel theory correct, then disappeared completely.

Our only memories of Lohan, consist of videos like this, taken before her disappearance, her inexplicably misguided devotion to a hag like Ronson a warning to all child stars to “Say No to Drugs”

Al Gore: Still Wrong On Global Warming!

Al Gore: Still Wrong On Global Warming!

Al Gore fired back at the Thomas Peep website for their article covering the forum that the former vice-president had purportedly used to recant many of his global warming theories. Al Gore’s phalanx of lawyers have threatened to sue the highly regarded publication over what he calls “a third-rate smear piece by a gutter journalist hell-bent on ridiculing his good name.” Never one to back down from a fight, Thomas Peep challenged the vice president to sit down one on one to address the article and his “position” on the controversial subject of Global Warming. Al Gore accepted and yesterday met for a no holds barred discussion with reporter Peter Boo.

Boo: “Mr Gore, what is your current position on global warming?”

Gore: “My position hasn’t changed once over the past 30 years of exhaustive investigation. It remains that global warming poses the greatest threat to mankind in the history of the human race. The science is in, the time for debate is over. And unless we act quickly to reverse the vast damage we have inflicted upon this planet, we face severe and dire consequences.”

Obama: “Wagoner Out! Sbarro In!!!”

Obama: “Wagoner Out! Sbarro In!!!”

President Barack Obama announced his replacement for GM CEO Rick Wagoner today. In a surprise move, he named Peter Beaudrault, CEO of Sbarro, Inc. to head the embattled carmaker. “I am encouraged by the Chrysler’s efforts to merge with Fiat so naturally, I’ve been searching long and hard for another Italian company to merge with GM” The $600 million company is best known for it’s food court presence in shopping malls.

Chicago Bulls Draft The World’s Tallest Man.

Chicago Bulls Draft The World’s Tallest Man.

Standing 10 feet 2 inches, Leonid Stadnyk of Ukraine (The world’s tallest man) has been drafted by the Chicago Bulls. “I am very happy be drafted by glorious Chicago ball’s” Leonid stated.

When reporters pointed out that he miss-pronounced the the team’s name GM John Paxson said: “who cares what the bean-pole calls us, as long as Stadnyk scores 20 a game and swat’s away offense’s lay-ups like flies at a picnic, he won’t have to go back to hunching over in his home-town coal mine”.

When reporters as Stadnyk how he thought he could adapt to the NBA game he stated: “Me like rubber boots with swish”.

Jay Cutler Already Demanding Trade From Bears

Jay Cutler Already Demanding Trade From Bears

With the ink barely dry on the Bears deal, Jay Cutler, the disgruntled former quarterback for the Denver Broncos is reportedly already demanding a trade from the Chicago Bears. Cutler feels that being traded for Kyle Orton and an assortment of draft picks doesn’t show proper respect for his legacy. “It’s as if they have no idea about my place in NFL history, I view the terms of this deal as an insult not only to me but to every NFL player who’s ever strapped on a helmet. I will never set foot in the city of Chicago, let alone play for the Chicago Bears.” Cutler feels that his lifetime record of 17-20, QB rating of 87.1 and zero playoff appearances is worthy of more respect. “There are two players worthy of being traded for me, Tom Brady and Peyton Manning. Unless my agent calls saying I’m going to Indy or New England, I’m not setting foot in the airport.”

When told of Cutler’s comments, Bears defensive captain Brian Urlacher responded, “Fine, we dont’ want that little shit here anyway. What has he done in this league? He looks like he’s been strapped to a bong since he was five years old.” Former teammate John Lynch stated “Jay should count his blessings. With that ridiculous pot habit of his, he’s lucky to land a job at McDonald’s. I have no idea how he’s lasted this long in the NFL. Jay used to coast his way through team meetings, giggling uncontrollably and gorging himself on fried chicken in the back. I don’t know how Shanahan could stand it.”

Addressing the doubters, Cutler cited his performance on the last day of the 2008 season, “Anyone who watches the tape of me blowing that game to the Chargers and ending our playoff hopes will agree, I am one of the top 3 QBs in the league. And I expect to start getting treated like it.”

When reached for comment, Cutler’s agent’s only response was “Jay who?”

Developing…

Mickey Rourke Vows To Not Screw [up performance with] Megan Fox.

Mickey Rourke Vows To Not Screw [up performance with] Megan Fox.

When selecting parts, Rourke has always been more concerned with what he terms, “his hot streak,” roughly translated mean: his rampant history of hooking up with female costars. In a 1990 Rolling Stone interview, Rourke stated, “I view actresses not merely as costars but as muses sent by the studio as offerings to placate my God-like talent. It’s a process that’s crucial to me getting into their pants– I mean their character.” “The ‘hot streak’ began with Kim Basinger in 9 ½ weeks, and continued with Carre Otis in Wild Orchid and culminated with Lisa Bonet in Angel Heart,” stated a proud Rourke.