Bud Selig lifts ban on performance enhancing drugs.
After the United States’ stunning loss to Japan in the World Baseball Classic a week ago, Bud Selig vowed not to leave his office until he had a new plan to revitalize American baseball. Today he emerged with new vice commissioner Jose Canseco to announce a shocking strategy to save the sport. :
“After watching the pathetic excuse for a World Baseball Classic final last Monday, I knew something had to be done. I created the World Baseball Classic to showcase American dominance of it’s signature sport, not to watch players from two countries most Americans couldn’t find on the map slap singles around the park for three hours! The final was a complete borefest and I won’t let it happen again. The American game is about raw power, not speed, finesse, and attention to fundamentals. We have a strong tradition of ignoring these things, in baseball and foreign policy. America is about brute force and I intend to bring that back to the Grand Old Game.”
Selig, already under fire for what many perceive to be the pervasive use of steroids in baseball the past two decades, laid out an audacious new policy. “Starting today, the ban on steroids has been lifted. Performance enhancing drugs of all types will no longer be prohibited, they will be encouraged. I want players who make Jose Canseco look like a runt!
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Today I am announcing the dawn of a new era, the era of thousand foot home runs, one hundred home run seasons, and players with Nintendo-like gigantic heads that make Barry Bonds look like a pinhead! Mandatory drug testing will be immediately replaced with mandatory HGH injections and applications of “The Clear.” Any players who don’t like it will be shipped immediately to Japan or Korea, where their cowardice and lack of will can help them lose the next WBC!!! I want players with ridiculously sized biceps, shriveled balls, and lockers full of syringes. By the time this plan is fully implemented, Babe Ruth will be remembered as a relic from an era when 60 home runs in a season was impressive. America will never lose again!!!”
Then, to drive home his point, Selig then pulled down his pants and had Canseco inject his exposed rear end with a cocktail of steroids and human growth hormone. Selig, a 75 year old man, with the press in tow, then ran five miles and bench pressed four hundred pounds.