Vladimir Putin “Healthcare reform: Everyone over 40 years of age, to be shot!”
Barack OBAMA “People are angry, they are frustrated. Maybe we should just let them all die?”
President-elect Barack Obama was set Monday to begin the push for sweeping legislation to legalize the personal and private use of marijuana aimed at reviving an economy mired in recession.
Simon Cowell confirmed this morning that the first single off Boyle’s new self-titled album ‘Boyle Lanced,’ will be a cover of “Hey We Want Some Pussy” by 2 Live Crew with Wayne Brady on guest vocals.
“Ugly was in” he said on Fox News this morning. “I mean look, she’s still fugly, but we needed her rancid, like she was on our show. That’s the whole point! How can this woman’s voice be so beautiful when she’s clearly not. We needed her to go from bad to worse for the album’s release, not the other way around.”
” Yeah sounds like one rough deal, I’m sure you put up one hell of a fight. “We’re taking you away from this frozen tundra here in Antarctica, this wasteland, where you have to hunt all day for food, and compete with thousand of others just like you, and take you to this paradise where you can swim and frolic all day in 5-star luxury and we’ll take car of everything you will ever need.”
My second number will probably be even sexier, I really think my fans have been deprived of that side of me so far. But not to worry, sexy Susan is on her way!!!
It was just announced that Sean Hannity will be reprising Nathan lane’s role as Albert Goldman in Birdcage 2. After successfully fooling the Keeleys in Birdcage one, Hannity is said to play an Albert Goldman intent on revealing his gaiety to the Keeley family and force them to accept him. The sequel is structured around Hannity’s character trying to seduce the Keeley patriarch in an effort to prove “Gay is OK.” As Hannity has gotten more and more made up as he took over his own show the resemblance to gay icon Lane was impossible to ignore. Post Obama election, as hannity careened closer and closer to irrelevance, he needed more motivation to get people to watch his tired show. Gay is okay became the order of the day.
Said fox News head Roger Ailes, “I’m not sure what happened but the resemblance became impossible to ignore the attention Sean received from the gay community became impossible to ignore. He has a huge gay fan base and seems to be cultivating it, each night his lipstick application seems to be higher. I look forward to partnering with Paramount studios in cultivating Sean’s new image. I’ve got to be honest, when I watched his “expose” on Ruth Bader Ginsburg the other night, I wanted to kiss my screen – really… full on the mouth. I would have given Sean full tongue. Sean is set to be a superstar and gay icon…. look out Ian McKellen.”
They died clamoring for a sequel. Watch the outtakes here:
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A day after the Navy SEALS’ heroic rescue of Captain Richard Phillips, details of his kidnapping are beginning to filter out. Only now is the true extent of the pirates’ madness becoming clear.
In transcripts of conversations between US Navy Commander Frank Castellano and head of the Somali pirates union Abdi Dalmar, it becomes clear that an impasse in the troubled negotiations necessitated the attack. Full transcript of the decisive last five minutes follows.
CASTELLANO: “You must understand you are in serious violation of international maritime law, if you do not surrender the captain him immediately, you will face the full force of US Naval retaliation.
DALMAR: “Oh sure, America love pirates when Johnny Depp play one but when Somali play one, they call Navy seals! Why you no call Navy Seals on Johnny Depp? You make him Best Actor!!!”
CASTELLANO: “That’s a movie, you have kidnapped a real person.”
UNIDENTIFIED PIRATE VOICE: “Tell him I want best actor too!!!”
CASTELLANO: “I repeat, you have five minutes to surrender or you will give us no choice but to attack.”
DALMAR: “No, didn’t you see movie? Pirates fun, pirates dance, pirates get women. We expected Keira Knightley to be on ship. Where she? You get us her or big consequences for you”
CASTELLANO: “Keira Knightley is not coming. You have four minutes left.”
DALMAR: “You find her… and you get us rum. Do it!”
CASTELLANO: “There will be no rum. three and a half minutes and we attack.”
DALMAR: “Go ahead, attack, Davy Jones come after you then and make you go on ship that goes underwater. We flip ship over and then become human!!!”
CASTELLANO: “What?”
DALMAR: “Ha! You clearly no see movie which puts you at disadvantage to us.”
CASTELLANO: “Those Pirates of the Caribbean movies were some of the worst movies ever made!!!”
DALMAR: “No, they make billions of dollars. America love pirates, you love pirates!!”
CASTELLANO: “They were terrible, you try to explain the plots to me. If you can, I let you go.”
DALMAR: “It’s easy, Johnny Depp have funny teeth, he real funny pirate, like us, he dance and be really dead.. but no one know at beginning, he on run from Davy Jones because he stole Black Pearl, then he make friends with Orlando Bloom, who like Keira Knightley, but she like Johnny Depp but he really dead, then Johnny lie to Orlando and Orlando lie to Johnny and many funny delightful doublecrosses ensue.”
UNIDENTIFIED PIRATE VOICE: “And don’t forget sword fights. Lots of funny sword fights.”
CASTELLANO: “I’m sorry I asked. You have one minute.”
DALMAR: “You get us blu-ray DVD of this landmark trilogy and cast us in fourth movie or…”
CASTELLANO: (to sniper team) “[Expletive deleted] this guy, take your shot.”
US warship on the scene
After that three shots are heard. Killed in the attack were Dalmar. Korfa Ghedi, and Umbuku Mbeki, Somalia’s answer to Orlando Bloom, who had apparently was under the belief he was about to be cast in “Pirates of the Caribbean 4: Somali Suprise”. At press time, it is believed this fourth pirate was the unidentified voice on the audiotapes.
In a bizarre development, all trace of Lindsay Lohan has disappeared from the planet. The precocious child star of the Parent Trap turned adult train wreck has vanished without a trace. Recently distraught over her breakup from lesbian DJ Samantha Ronson, the actress seemed to be on a downward spiral into irrelevance. In an emergency intervention, father Michael Lohan sent a time traveler back to the set of “The Parent Trap” to present young Lindsay with photographic evidence of her future in an effort to convince her to take a different path.
But it appears that tactic has backfired. When the adorable child star was shown a photo of ex-girlfriend Samantha Ronson, the little girl was repulsed. “What is that? A girl or a guy? Either way, I think that’s the ugliest person I’ve ever seen.” When told that her future self was in love with the DJ, young Lohan started laughing, unbelieving, “No, no way I become that stupid. There aren’t enough drugs in the world to make me do that. You’re a silly man. time travel isn’t possible anyway.” The laughter stopped when the messenger revealed disturbing photos of Lohan’s future self after a three day drug binge, stating, “No, there are enough drugs in the world and you’ve taken them all, Lindsey.” When he showed the young Lohan graphic photos of future Lohan and Ronson making out in a club, the innocent little 12 year old started crying uncontrollably.
In a misguided attempt at tough love, the time traveler then told her that unless she changed her ways she would spend at least a year feasting on Ronson’s love box, the poor little girl screamed an unholy scream and died from fright, her angelic young face frozen in abject terror. Future Lohan was notified of the developments then spent the rest of her cash on a boatload of cocaine, snorted all of it, and tried to hit the party circuit. After being denied entrance to at least twenty parties, two of them thrown by Ronson, she retreated to her home and was forced to watch helplessly as photos of her became progressively transparent, proving Back to the Future’s time travel theory correct, then disappeared completely.
Our only memories of Lohan, consist of videos like this, taken before her disappearance, her inexplicably misguided devotion to a hag like Ronson a warning to all child stars to “Say No to Drugs”
Bigelow wins best director!
Geffen lashes back: “I’m so vain..? Wasn’t the F#*KING song about me biatch?!”
Charlie Sheen’s wife checks into rehab over ‘crack-whore allegation’.
Tiger Woods PUBLIC STATEMENT: Golfer To Speak On Friday
Director Kevin Smith ‘Too Fat’ To Fly Southwest
Jerry Brown’s School Lesson on Carbon Dioxide
Titavatar/Avartanic: James Cameron announces bizarre plan for rereleasing both films at once!